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Welcome To Your Blender by Christopher M. Maier


Do not attempt to turn on this Blender without first reading these instructions carefully; committing them to memory; downloading the electronic version from our website (which includes free and automatic membership in our daily eBlast club); storing the print version of these instructions in a secure place far removed from hazards such as fire, water, wind, children, pets, alcoholics, origamists, and minimalists who (like most minimalists) espouse an anti-clutter mentality. Failure to retain these instructions (physically, digitally, mentally) voids all pertaining warranties and, more importantly, speaks to the wayward moral compass of the Owner.
     
In addition, the Owner should not turn on this Blender prior to placing the Blender in a stable environment. Such environments include surfaces that are: dimensionally accommodating (in particular, an expanse that provides terra firma for all four rubber feet), sturdy, balanced, clean, in near proximity to a power source, and surrounded by open space so that the operator (most likely the Owner, but others who have been steeped in instruction may also attempt to work with this Blender, at the Owner’s discretion, though extending such privileges to a non-Owner voids all pertaining warranties, as only the Owner — established by receipts and other documentation maintained by the Manufacturer of this Blender — is officially licensed to manipulate this product) may have the advantage of full freedom of motion should an act of God (legally not the responsibility of the Manufacturer of this Blender) demand immediate action.
     
Once an appropriate location for this Blender has been established, the Owner should test the viability of the environment via the following Methods:
     
1). Move his/her hands freely in a two-foot circumference around the mouth of this Blender. Is this possible without running into any other object (e.g., a coffee maker, a toaster oven, a dish-drying rack, a microwave, a candle)? If the answer is no, remove the offending item(s) and test again; or relocate this Blender to a more amenable position.
     
2). Put the full weight of the Owner’s body on the surface that is intended to support this Blender. Does is creak? Bend? Wobble? If so, remove this Blender and scout around the house for new placement.
     
3). Use a leveler to assess the balance of the surface. If off balance, this Blender’s smoothie stick will fail to achieve precise vertical stature, causing potential damage to the gaskets and coupling unit and threatening to provide the Owner of this Blender with food products (be they garbanzo beans, celery sticks, hot dogs, or any other comestibles) that are uneven and/or inadequately puréed.
     
4). Procure a new white rag. Wipe it across the surface around the base of this Blender. If the whiteness of the rag is at all compromised, remove the Blender, cleanse the area, and test again.
     
5). The power cord attached to this Blender is exactly twelve inches in length, allowing the Owner to adhere to the two-foot circumference prescribed in Method 1. Extension cords are not safe, recommended, or tolerated.
     
[Should any of the preceding five Methods not be followed (and recorded with a time-stamped video device such as a camcorder, a digital video camera, a Flip cam, or even an iPhone) all pertaining warranties will be voided.]
     
In short, treat this Blender like a member of your family. Do all that you can to understand it, nurture it, care for it, and protect it. Familiarizing yourself with the recommended procedures, keeping the instructions close at hand, and constantly assessing the quality of the environment you are establishing for this Blender will increase the life of this Blender and will enhance the output that this Blender can yield for you, the Owner. If you do these things and this Blender still refuses cooperation, you can rest assured that neither you, the Owner, nor the Manufacturer are in any way responsible. It may simply be time to acquire a new blender.
     
As the Manufacturer of this Blender, we welcome you, the Owner, to our community. And remember:
We blend, but we never break!*
     
* And if this Blender does break, it’s either the fault of the Owner or the hand of God, neither of which invalidates the claim extended by this tagline.
     
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Christopher M. Maier is a writer of various shades living in Washington, D.C. His work has appeared in Redivider, Ninth Letter, Image, Sou’wester, the 2010–2012 annual reports for the Catalyst Schools of Chicago, a bunch of Princeton Review guidebooks, some magazine ads, The Carlisle Sentinel, and others.