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Rocky Three and BABYEATERS by Kate Nacy


ROCKY THREE

     
Earl uses the Internet to check his eagles.
     Someone put a webcam in a nest of baby eagles and now the baby eagles are Earl’s baby eagles and he checks them when he doesn’t feel like eating or sleeping. It’s mostly eagles kissing and puking on each other but that’s a-okay by Earl. He calls them Rocky One, Rocky Two, Rocky Three and Rocky Four.
     Earl wears a floral dressing gown and smokes a thin cigarette. He ashes in a fish-shaped dish upon which the proverb Kiss My Bass is inscribed. Earl looks in the mirror, gives himself a frown and says, I’m concerned about your lifestyle, Earl. Then he gives himself an exhausted face and says, Oh just take a shower, Earl. 
     The good news is Earl has a coach called Harvey Abramowicz. Harvey Abramowicz is a Certified Life Coach and ninety-nine percent of his clients report feeling somewhat satisfied with his performance. Earl and Harvey telecommunicate, which means Harvey calls Earl to discuss Earl’s broken life and when they finish discussing Earl’s broken life they brainstorm ways to make flow charts about it. This technique is called manifesting. Earl doesn’t like to draw so he gets Harvey to make the flow charts. Later, Harvey mails the flow charts to Earl by USPS for an extra fee and Earl finds this reasonable.
     Today Earl’s phone rings at 4PM on the dot.
     Harvey says, Hey Earl! Que pasa, hombre?
     Normally Earl discourages cockamamie jokes but Harvey and Earl are involved in a Process of Discovery and Earl is discovering Harvey doesn’t like to use only English words.
     Harvey says, I hope you’re excited because I’m excited!
     Then he says, Any decision beats no decision!
     Then he says, Life is a zig-zag! Life is a triangle!
     Earl enjoys visualizing Harvey. He envisions Harvey wearing a headset and reclining in a voluptuous armchair. He envisages Harvey polishing a brass dolphin from the International Federation of Coaches and using a fountain pen to jot notes about Earl’s internal landscape, a landscape regularly described by Earl as an umbral toilet of disappointment.
     Harvey coughs into the phone and says something about healing and moving forward. Then he says something about an interior dialogue of negative chatter which keeps us from triumphing over challenges and getting inspired to create the lives we deserve.
     Harvey says, Are you picking up what I’m laying down? Are you? Well are you Earl?  but Earl’s end of the phone rests supine on his air mattress.
     Earl is at the computer with his face in his palms.
     The bad news is Rocky Three is missing, which can only mean he fell from the nest to his death or was murdered by his brothers in an act of brutal avian fratricide. Earl tightens the floral dressing gown around his waist. Harvey shouts, Sayonara! from the phone on his air mattress but Earl never hears.
     Earl tells himself it doesn’t have to mean something.
     It doesn’t have to mean something, but probably, it does.
     
     
     

& & &

     
     
     
BABYEATERS
     
From the German Gynecological Waiting Room

(I’m never getting in holy fuck it’s a bunch of pregnant ladies out here are they all younger than me don’t have feelings about this just keep reading your Elvis book why does no one have acne I thought pregnant ladies get acne or is it babies who get acne alright your kid is laughing too much and it’s bothering me yes it’s a ball we know already shut up remember to steal this pen later yesss it’s a mouse and a ball we know shut up).
     
 
From the German Gynecological Observation Room

Gynecologist: You are eating anti-baby medicines or no?

Me: Sorry?

Gynecologist: You are eating anti-baby medicines or no? Any babies’ medicines?

Me: What? No!

Me: OH.

Me: Condoms. I am eating condoms.

 
     
From the German Gynecological Stirrups

Gynecologist: Wow! Sie ist sehr schön!

Me: Danke.

 

     
From a New Lower Position in the German Gynecological Stirrups

Gynecologist: Here!

Me: What?

Gynecologist: Here!

Me: What?

Gynecologist: You hold this! You must hold this while I look inside. Take it!

Me: Ok.

Gynecologist: Now give back it to me!

Gynecologist: (indecipherable)

Me: Sorry.

Gynecologist: Ja.
     
     
From Next to the Ikea Ficus in the German Gynecological Observation Room

Gynecologist: Now I rub some cream on the breasts. Is it ok?

Me: I guess. Does my insurance cover this?

Gynecologist: Yes, but nothing more.

Me: Ok, fine.
     
     

From the Elevator Descending to Lower Floors in the German Gynecological Building

Me: Did I get the pen?

Me: Fuck.

Me: That was the kind of pen I like.

Me: That was my favorite kind of pen.

Me: Fuck.

Me: Should I go back?

Me: What should I say?

Me: Fuck.
     
     
From the Lobby of the German Gynecological Building

Me: Hi, I forgot I have some questions about baby-eating medicine.

Me: Can I just eat the babies anytime?

Me: I don’t know.

Me: I don’t know what to do.

Me: Are you using that pen?

Me: It doesn’t look like it.

Me: It doesn’t look like you’re using that pen.

Me: Well.

Me: Up to you.
     
 

–––––––

Kate Nacy probably lives in Berlin. For more indefinite information please visit her website.